My biggest problem is that I don't know what I need out of my life. It isn't even a problem. It is the height of indifference towards yourself. It is the depth of the abyss I'm in. It is the magnitude of the importance I give to my very existence. It is pure ignorance.
There is a lot I need to straighten out. May be I need some outsider's help to solve the current enigma of my life. Or maybe this enigma is not even worth giving a try. May be discussing it with will help me solve it. May be a clear cut harsh answer based on pure rotten reality to my riddle is all I need to rearrange my set of priorities.
May be I am suppose to do this as soon as possible. May be this is the only ray of hope for me at the end of this bleak narrow tunnel of utter confusions, uncertainties and unconscious self betrayal.
Or the worst of my fears ...
May be I'm losing it all ...
May be I'm losing it all for something which was never ever meant for me
May be I'm losing it all for a temporary intoxicated euphoria
May be I'm losing it all to hallucinate more
May be I'm losing it all so that I can be in my own utopia
May be I'm losing it all for the undeserved
May be I'm losing it all along with my self
May be it is all frivolously childish of me
May be that's exactly what people call LIFE.
18 November 2005
17 November 2005
OBSESSED ...
Obsession, passion, fetish, mania: all these words are so damn intense. Still we find these words charming. They intensify the magnitude of our insanity but ... I've a deadly confession to make. These words sound good only as long as they're in books, movies and tales. Coping with obsession in the reality is so damn tough and dangerous at times. And when I say obsession it it obsession in the truest sense of the word.
Be it an individual, over all relationships, an aim of our life, a hobby or an inanimate object (guitars,cars?), obsession is a dangerous thing to deal with. It leads us directly to a state of mind where huge things loose their importance and trivial aspects related to our obsession appears to us as the only things that matters. Thinking about it endlessly, spending hours and hours doing nothing just indulging ourselves by picturing it and later ignoring the very surroundings and the reality are the various phases we go through once we become obsessed. I may not be sounding perfectly rational over here but again; words like practicality, rationale, reasoning, reality: they just do not exist in the self-adjusted lexicons of sane insanes like me.
Be it an individual, over all relationships, an aim of our life, a hobby or an inanimate object (guitars,cars?), obsession is a dangerous thing to deal with. It leads us directly to a state of mind where huge things loose their importance and trivial aspects related to our obsession appears to us as the only things that matters. Thinking about it endlessly, spending hours and hours doing nothing just indulging ourselves by picturing it and later ignoring the very surroundings and the reality are the various phases we go through once we become obsessed. I may not be sounding perfectly rational over here but again; words like practicality, rationale, reasoning, reality: they just do not exist in the self-adjusted lexicons of sane insanes like me.
I've always find the HAT KE stuff from Indian 35mm a pleasure to watch. This usually accounts for the movies from RGV, Mani Ratnam, Deepa Mehta, Shayam Bengal, and others like them.
I've seen some serious movie-buffs to be anti-Indian cine. I don't find it true to its core. I admit that Hindi Cinema is a lot more inspired by the Hollywood but still there are some names that have produced highly original and dangerously serious stuff on the screen. Bringing sensitive issues with a fineese on the screen knowing that the masses constantly need mirch masala and item numbers is not an easy task.
DIL SE is one of the Indian movies I've always loved. A Mani Ratnam flick, I find this movie highly captivating. As expected the movie didn't do any wonders on the box office but in UK it did reached the TOP 10 in movie charts. A good story line and a comparatively sensible handling of an issue like Terrorism is not what we are used to watch in Indies thesedays.
I find Angels and Demons extremely disappointing. Camerlengo this and camerlengo that. Also some really annoying loop holes in the plot. Now, I've bought DECEPTION POINT. I've read a few chapters too but it sounds too much as a Sidney Sheldon. Let see what happens as the drama and mystery unfolds .
This is another thing I hate about myself. I stick to an author and do not read the tons of better stuff out there. I've had a Bapsi Sidhwa book but Miss Iqra, as generous as anyone on this earth, donated that book to a friend and now is still waiting for the return. I wonder at time why on the earth, people think it as evil and Satan to return books and CDs. I mean this is pure crap. I haven't even read that book and I gave that away!!!!!
ALL THOSE BIBLO-KLEPTOMANIACS out there!!! LEARN TO RETURN BOOKS FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE.
This is another thing I hate about myself. I stick to an author and do not read the tons of better stuff out there. I've had a Bapsi Sidhwa book but Miss Iqra, as generous as anyone on this earth, donated that book to a friend and now is still waiting for the return. I wonder at time why on the earth, people think it as evil and Satan to return books and CDs. I mean this is pure crap. I haven't even read that book and I gave that away!!!!!
ALL THOSE BIBLO-KLEPTOMANIACS out there!!! LEARN TO RETURN BOOKS FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE.
16 November 2005
I'm back to my blog ater so long. I don't know what has been there inside the labyrinths of my mind for so long. I've stopped writing, reading and creating. I'm just living a useless life: absolutely useless and terribly pathetic.
WHAT!
WHEN!
WHY!
HOW!
I hate answering all these questions. These unanswered queries to the myesterious bitch we call life are killing me.
N WAY OUT !
Simply no way out !
WHAT!
WHEN!
WHY!
HOW!
I hate answering all these questions. These unanswered queries to the myesterious bitch we call life are killing me.
N WAY OUT !
Simply no way out !
15 November 2005
At times we behave quite .... Err ..... Idiotically. I mean why the hell we just can't control ourselves and hide our feelings? And when it comes to Miss Iqra Sajjad, she do deserves an OSCAR for the BEST EMOTIONAL ACT ever displayed by a 19 year old in real life.
STUPIDITY AT ITS BEST is all I can say.
And telling you the ultimate truth my dear blog, this does not relates to a single day or a single instance. With me it's always, always there and the same. Whatever I feel about anyone is always displayed on this face of mine in BOLDS, ITALICS and CAPS with DOUBLE UNDERLINES. I mean there are some people who are so so so good at hiding their true color from the rest of the world. They'll never ever let you know their real side and yet ... there're some extremely MAHAANS like me who can do everything but to keep their feelings to themselves. I think it's the worst thing you can do to yourself. Letting you down and sacrificing your ego. But when it comes to ego, I ain't that perfect of an egoist. I believe that THAT has nothing to do with your ego. I'm a let-your-ego-have-some-tranquilizers-and-rest-forever-in-peace type of a bandee. So pathetic. I know. Kia ho ga mera.
GOD !!!!
I'm so mad at myself.
STUPIDITY AT ITS BEST is all I can say.
And telling you the ultimate truth my dear blog, this does not relates to a single day or a single instance. With me it's always, always there and the same. Whatever I feel about anyone is always displayed on this face of mine in BOLDS, ITALICS and CAPS with DOUBLE UNDERLINES. I mean there are some people who are so so so good at hiding their true color from the rest of the world. They'll never ever let you know their real side and yet ... there're some extremely MAHAANS like me who can do everything but to keep their feelings to themselves. I think it's the worst thing you can do to yourself. Letting you down and sacrificing your ego. But when it comes to ego, I ain't that perfect of an egoist. I believe that THAT has nothing to do with your ego. I'm a let-your-ego-have-some-tranquilizers-and-rest-forever-in-peace type of a bandee. So pathetic. I know. Kia ho ga mera.
GOD !!!!
I'm so mad at myself.
14 November 2005
For me the biggest fear of our lives is the far to loose: to loose someone, something, some clue, some answer and some keys.
Loose someone we love, loose something we care for, loose a clue of happiness, loose an answer to the very question of our existence and loose a key to solve the dilemmas of our lives.
This is the reason why we want to remain glued to our pasts. We’re afraid that if we let go of our past, we’ll loose the precious memories and our hope to survive. That’s why we’re afraid to think about our present because we believe that by thinking about the current us, we’ll deprive ourselves of the pleasures we enjoy by thinking of the future ahead us (this is ILLUSION-ISING). This again is the fear to loose. An once more this fear to loose abstain us from giving a thought to the future because we’re afraid that the present moment might get lost in the never-ending planning about the future (which is obviously UNCERTAIN).
Just another vicious cycle life has to offer us. When one does not want to think, one hallucinates and one fantasizes. I don’t know why but all I am thinking these days is about my present SOM which is just a pure amalgamation of some hallucinations, illusions and fantasies. Juxtaposing them gives me a pleasure which is unexplainable and yet … devastating. It is a mere escape form the reality.
May be I’m too fantasized to care or may be I’m too dazzled by my sugar-coated DREAMLAND that all I want is escape from the life and thus reality. May be I am too busy in concatenating my fantasies that I am letting go of my life. May be I’m extensively obsequious for my NEVERLAND.
Whatever the case my be, one thing is for sure: I’m unequivocally indifferent about my present, dangerously insouciant about my past and frivolously optimistic for my future.
This is the height if my ignorance and the apex of my stupidity and above all: this is PURE INSANITY.
I want to believe that there is no such place as my neverland, no such circumstances where all that happens is how I want that to happen and not a single chance to live happily ever after.
AND FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE! Come one Iqra! Stop sounding skeptical. This is not the only you who is going through these phases of pure uncertainty and disbelief. It happens with all of us. No one gets what he or she wants out of their lives. Life is a bitch: a perfectly rotten one and you cannot expect such a species to act suavely and decently and in your favor.
Loose someone we love, loose something we care for, loose a clue of happiness, loose an answer to the very question of our existence and loose a key to solve the dilemmas of our lives.
This is the reason why we want to remain glued to our pasts. We’re afraid that if we let go of our past, we’ll loose the precious memories and our hope to survive. That’s why we’re afraid to think about our present because we believe that by thinking about the current us, we’ll deprive ourselves of the pleasures we enjoy by thinking of the future ahead us (this is ILLUSION-ISING). This again is the fear to loose. An once more this fear to loose abstain us from giving a thought to the future because we’re afraid that the present moment might get lost in the never-ending planning about the future (which is obviously UNCERTAIN).
Just another vicious cycle life has to offer us. When one does not want to think, one hallucinates and one fantasizes. I don’t know why but all I am thinking these days is about my present SOM which is just a pure amalgamation of some hallucinations, illusions and fantasies. Juxtaposing them gives me a pleasure which is unexplainable and yet … devastating. It is a mere escape form the reality.
May be I’m too fantasized to care or may be I’m too dazzled by my sugar-coated DREAMLAND that all I want is escape from the life and thus reality. May be I am too busy in concatenating my fantasies that I am letting go of my life. May be I’m extensively obsequious for my NEVERLAND.
Whatever the case my be, one thing is for sure: I’m unequivocally indifferent about my present, dangerously insouciant about my past and frivolously optimistic for my future.
This is the height if my ignorance and the apex of my stupidity and above all: this is PURE INSANITY.
I want to believe that there is no such place as my neverland, no such circumstances where all that happens is how I want that to happen and not a single chance to live happily ever after.
AND FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE! Come one Iqra! Stop sounding skeptical. This is not the only you who is going through these phases of pure uncertainty and disbelief. It happens with all of us. No one gets what he or she wants out of their lives. Life is a bitch: a perfectly rotten one and you cannot expect such a species to act suavely and decently and in your favor.
04 November 2005
Why am I doing this to myself? I've to face it all: face it all and face it all alone. I don't need anyone to be there for me. I'm okay and I'm all by myself. Why should I long for someone? I can be there for myself. I fucking am bloody enough to console myself. Let the bloody others go to rotten hell. Why should I love others when all others out there consider me a disgrace? Why should I care for others when no one gives a fucking rotten damn for me?
I'm simply stunned right now. Not in the wildest of my dreams I've imagined that people can be this indifferent. THIS IS THE BLOODY HEIGHT OF INDIFFERENCE. This alone has shattered my very existence. I've doubts that I want to live naymore. LIVE. What the fuck! It is purely rotten crap. LIVE ? WHY LIVE? FOR WHOM TO LIVE? Never ever before I've understand the term LONELINESS before. Never. Never ever I've managed to understand why people commit suicides.
That's exactly what has happened with me. A temporary (YES! I admit. I was prepared to accept is as temporary) obstacle on my way and a routine failure has shown it all to me. It has dawned on me how fucking wrong I was to illusionised people and made stunningly wrong perceptions about them.It has shown me the love and care people around me have for me.It has shown me the magnitude of importance I've. No matter how harsh and brutal, the failure has fucking enlightened me.I'm not mourning my failure. I was strong and determined enough to bear that failure. Im mourning my shattered existence, my shattered trust and my shattered soul. I'm crying not over my failure but over myself.I'm rational enough to accept failures as a part of life. But I'm not hard and strong to bear peoples' indifference.
I'm simply stunned right now. Not in the wildest of my dreams I've imagined that people can be this indifferent. THIS IS THE BLOODY HEIGHT OF INDIFFERENCE. This alone has shattered my very existence. I've doubts that I want to live naymore. LIVE. What the fuck! It is purely rotten crap. LIVE ? WHY LIVE? FOR WHOM TO LIVE? Never ever before I've understand the term LONELINESS before. Never. Never ever I've managed to understand why people commit suicides.
That's exactly what has happened with me. A temporary (YES! I admit. I was prepared to accept is as temporary) obstacle on my way and a routine failure has shown it all to me. It has dawned on me how fucking wrong I was to illusionised people and made stunningly wrong perceptions about them.It has shown me the love and care people around me have for me.It has shown me the magnitude of importance I've. No matter how harsh and brutal, the failure has fucking enlightened me.I'm not mourning my failure. I was strong and determined enough to bear that failure. Im mourning my shattered existence, my shattered trust and my shattered soul. I'm crying not over my failure but over myself.I'm rational enough to accept failures as a part of life. But I'm not hard and strong to bear peoples' indifference.
01 November 2005
EVER ENIGMATIC LIFE
I'm going through the worst writers' block these days. I haven't written a single quality line for ages nor I've read some quality stuff.
Looks to me as if I'm stuck. Stuck between things which are LEAST important and extremely trivial!
is dhool kay khumar say nashay mein rahay
giray jin dioun pay parday jalay na bujhay
[eP]'s WAQT
I'm going through the worst writers' block these days. I haven't written a single quality line for ages nor I've read some quality stuff.
Looks to me as if I'm stuck. Stuck between things which are LEAST important and extremely trivial!
is dhool kay khumar say nashay mein rahay
giray jin dioun pay parday jalay na bujhay
[eP]'s WAQT
ANGELS AND DEMONS
THE MORE YOU KNOW, THE MORE YOU COME TO KNOW HOW LESS YOU KNOW !!!!
SO DAMN TRUE.
I'm reading (kinda try to. My mind is too vague to absorb the material right now.) Dan' ANGELS AND DEMONS. Awesome, as expected. Mindblowing. Hell of a book.
SO DAMN TRUE.
I'm reading (kinda try to. My mind is too vague to absorb the material right now.) Dan' ANGELS AND DEMONS. Awesome, as expected. Mindblowing. Hell of a book.
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